


The Fortunate Ones

by MegGonagall



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Canon Bisexual Character, Community: HPFT, F/F, Femslash, First Love, HPFT, Heartbreak, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-05-31 11:58:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6469270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegGonagall/pseuds/MegGonagall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>banner by callisto at The-Dark-Arts.net<br/><img/></p>
  <p>Three of us were privileged enough to know her,<br/>Two of us were fortunate enough to be loved by her,<br/>But only one of us was lucky enough to hold on to her.<br/>I was not the lucky one, but I was one of the fortunate ones.</p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Time I Met Lily Evans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
> 
>  
> 
> _Amazingly, stunningly, absolutely perfect CI by_  
>  _Lauralei at The-Dark-Arts.net_  
> 

James Potter, Severus Snape and Mary MacDonald. What did we all have in common, you might ask? The answer was as simple as it was complexed and utterly beautiful; Lily Evans. The three of us were privileged enough to know her, two of us were fortunate enough to be loved by her, but only one of us was lucky enough to hold on to her.  I was not the lucky one, but I was one of the fortunate ones. 

I will never forget the first time I met Lily Evans. I was sitting in a compartment on the Hogwarts express, just as terrified as I was excited to be on my way to Hogwarts for the first time. As a Muggle-born, it was quite a shock to not only my parents, but to myself the day Professor McGonagall arrived on my doorstep holding a letter that would change my life forever. I had no idea that those strange and sometimes frightening things that happened when I was angry or scared, was magic. Never did I think witches or wizards were real, let alone that I myself was one. Would not knowing beforehand make a difference?

As I sat staring out the window, watching the dozens of families, through the fog of steam from the train, waving goodbye to their children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces and nephews, my stomach churned. Would there be others like me? Would I be ostracized and ridiculed for coming from a non-magical family, I wondered.

I sat in that compartment alone for quite some time. I watched students pass, look in and continue right on by, as if there was no one sitting in there at all. I didn’t expect anyone to join me. Not really. I didn’t have many friends in primary school; I wasn’t exactly unpopular, but I wasn’t popular either. The more I thought about it, I realized the reason a lot of my old classmates tended to avoid me was probably because of all those cases of accidental magic that happened around me. They thought of me as some sort of freak. A weirdo. And even though I was going to a school filled with children like me, I didn’t expect Hogwarts to be much different, to be honest. 

After ten minutes of watching my new classmates pass me by, I decided to take out my copy of _Hogwarts, A History_ to read. I must have read that book ten times throughout the summer. I just couldn’t seem to put it down. I wanted to know everything about the place that would be my second home for the next seven years. I was absolutely fascinated with all of the things that awaited me in that magical castle. The bewitched ceiling in the Great Hall, the secret passage ways, Quidditch and most especially, the ghosts. Just like witches and wizards, I never believed in ghosts either and could not wait to see them and what they were like. 

I didn’t notice them at first, I was too wrapped up in my reading, but I dropped my book in surprise when I heard a soft sniffle across from me. I looked up and felt my heart skip a beat. She was so pretty. Her hair was long, red and very shiny. Her eyes were red from crying, but that still didn’t keep me from noticing just how beautiful the color was. The emerald color of her eyes almost looked fake. I’d never seen anyone with that eye color before. Looking at this girl, as she smiled apologetically at me, made me feel all fluttery inside. She was a girl. Why was I studying her so closely? 

Sitting next to her was a sallow faced boy who was scowling. Something about his expression and the dark tint to his black eyes made him seem much older than I assumed him to be. His clothes were extremely careworn and just a tad oversized. The poor thing looked completely neglected. It was obvious that he harbored a sweet spot for the pretty girl sitting next to him. It was the way he sat rigidly next to her and looked at her like she was a precious jewel that might vanish before his eyes at any moment. For some reason, that made me feel uncomfortable. Like I was an intruder on something private. 

My attention was quickly brought back to the redhead when she finally said something. 

“I’m so sorry,” she hiccoughed. “We should have asked before barging in on you. Is it alright if we join you?” she offered a watery smile. 

Her smile disarmed me; I couldn’t speak. I nodded. 

The girl’s shoulders seemed to relax and she sat back in her seat. “Thank you so much. I’m Lily Evans and this,” she gestured at the boy next to her, who would not look at me. Instead he focused his attention on the ground. “is Severus Snape.” 

“Nice to meet you b-both,” I said quietly. Why had my cheeks started to burn? “I’m Mary MacDonald.” 

Lily smiled warmly then wiped her eyes with the cuff of her sleeve. “It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Mary.” 

I had butterflies. 

As the train rolled on through the countryside, Lily and I talked almost nonstop. Occasionally Severus would chime in with a snide remark; Lily would lightly slap his arm or scold him when he did. I was relieved to learn that Lily was just like me. Another person who had come from a non-magical family and knew nothing of this life before she met Severus, who had told her what she was. Severus’ mother was also a witch, so he had grown up knowing all about this strange world. 

I found out that Lily and I actually had much in common. We liked a lot of the same music, movies and books. We laughed when I found out that she also had been reading _Hogwarts, A History_ nearly all summer. She seemed just as eager and determined as I was, to arrive there being as knowledgeable as any of the students who had come from magical backgrounds. Neither one of us wanted to feel behind. 

After a while of talking, I finally plucked up the courage to ask why she arrived into my compartment crying at the beginning of our trip. She told me all about some “toe-rag” in the first compartment she and Severus sat in. She thought one of the boys called him Potter, and she hoped that she didn’t run into him much at the school. From what she said, he sounded like a complete prat. Severus’ lip curled when Lily mentioned him. 

When the train finally arrived in Hogsmeade the three of us stood up and left the train together. Outside, waving us towards him, was the largest man I’ve ever seen in my life. He was gigantic! He stood at the front of the train, waving a lantern and calling the first years over to him. Lily, Severus and I all openly gawked at the man. 

“Whoa…” I heard Lily whisper. 

“You’ve got that right,” I nervously laughed. 

Severus snorted. 

Hagrid, I learned his name was, led us to a large fleet of small boats floating on, what I assumed was, the Black Lake. He informed us that there were to be three to a boat, which worked out perfectly for us. We wouldn’t have had to split up. 

As we floated across the lake, the boat next to us had two very loud boys rocking it, and another who sat there quietly looking scared for his life.They were roaring with laughter and splashing one another with the freezing cold water. I couldn’t quite make them out, but Lily seemed to have. She took one look at them and crossed her arms tightly with a soft, “Hrmmf!” 

“Gits,” Severus said quietly from behind Lily and I. 

Two of the boys in that boat seemed to have noticed Severus and Lily. 

“Oooh!” one with short hair and glasses yelled over. “Hiiii Snivellus!” 

The other boy, one with shoulder length hair, started cat calling and blowing kisses towards us. I could have sworn I heard Lily grind her teeth. 

“Arrogant prats,” she hissed. 

Now that I saw them, I could see what Lily and Severus were talking about. Those boys truly were some of the most obnoxious people I had ever seen in my life, up to that point. How immature could you have gotten? 

When we reached the shore, the three of us got out of the boat quickly and rushed up to the school. Truthfully, none of us wanted to run into those awful boys. As we jogged, Lily was a little ahead of me and I couldn't help but to stare at her hair, as it swung gracefully back and forth with each step she took. It was hypnotizing. 

Reluctantly, I tore my eyes away from Lily and turned my attention towards the castle. When I say that the school was breathtaking, it simply did just that. It took my breath away. I had never seen anything like it in my short life. It was almost something out of a fantasy novel, with its large towers, turrets and gas lanterns twinkling in the moonlight. There was no other word to describe it besides magical. 

My nervousness continued to climb once we were inside. It wouldn't be long before we were sorted and I silently hoped that wherever I ended up, Lily would be there with me. 

We reached a staircase and Lily grabbed my hand. The reaction that her touch caused was unlike anything I had felt before. My pulse quickened and my face felt like it was on fire. Her hand was soft and warm, and it sent a small shiver down my spine. 

She squeezed tightly and began to pull me forward. “I can't believe we’re finally here!” She said excitedly. 

Once again she left me speechless. I tried to form some sort of coherent response, but the only thing that left my lips was a mumbled string of nonsense words. Lily giggled, it rang out like tinkling bells. My stomach did a somersault. 

Severus cleared his throat and pushed his way between us. I felt a sharp stab of jealousy as Lily dropped my hand and looped her arm through his. I could still almost feel the ghost of her hand in mine. The silly, irrational thought of never wanting to wash it again came unbidden into my mind. 

“Sev! It's even more wonderful than we thought it would be!” I heard her say. 

When we reached the top of the stairs, a large wooden door was in front of us. Standing in front of it was the woman who personally delivered my acceptance letter; Professor McGonagall. 

She looked more severe and her features seemed much sharper in the dim candlelight than in my brightly lit sitting room. I was able to tell when I first met her than she was probably a stern, yet fair woman, but she hadn't frightened me at the time. Although looking at her now, I hated to admit it, I was extremely intimidated by her. 

Quickly the crowd of first years quieted down as McGonagall raised her hand to silence us. I swallowed loudly. This was it. 

She briefly explained to us about the sorting and what she expected out of us, now that we were students of the school. I didn't know about the others, but I certainly never wanted to get on her bad side. 

After she was finished, she led us into the most spectacular room I had ever seen. The book I basically slept with all summer did not do it justice. The cathedral-esque hall had four long tables; one for each of the houses. The ceiling showed a clear night sky, glistening with stars. Hundreds of candles floated above us, giving off the impression that the room itself was sparkling. But that paled in comparison to the radiant smile Lily turned around and gave me. 

We marched up the center aisle, towards the staff table. Whom I assumed was Professor Dumbledore sat in the middle, his eyes lively and shining down upon us all. The man emanated power, that was clearly obvious. He looked like the physical embodiment of magic, with his silver beard that was as long as his hair. Both of which could have easily reached his knees. There was something about him, I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I immediately trusted the headmaster. 

The next thing that captured my attention was a wooden stool which had an old, worn hat resting on it. It was a shabby looking object that looked so out of place in the majestic scene around us. It was obvious that the hat confused and intrigued the other students as well, since a massive amount of whispering and pointing broke out at the sight of it. 

Once we were gathered around, Professor McGonagall stood next to the stool and addressed the entire student body. She explained that the hat would be used to sort us into our new houses, which would be where we lived during the entirety of or magical education. I couldn't quite understand how a hat would decide that, but knew I would find out soon enough. 

After McGonagall finished speaking, I – as well as the rest of the first years – gasped in shock. The brim of the hat opened, just like a mouth, and much to my utter astonishment, it began to sing! It sang a song describing the four houses and what qualities a person must have to reside in them. Ravenclaw and Gryffindor sounded the best to me, but I figured I would probably end up in Hufflepuff – which sounded perfectly lovely and all, but I was really hoping for the other two. Slytherin hadn't sounded appealing at all. At least until I heard Severus whisper to Lily, “Let’s hope for Slytherin!” 

After the song was finished, McGonagall began calling names from a parchment she unrolled. I learned that rude boy with the longer hair, his name was Sirius Black. He was sent to Gryffindor, which made Ravenclaw look even more like where I would want to go. That was until “Evans, Lily,” was called up to the stool. 

Watching Lily being sorted was one of the cutest things I had seen until this very day. She stumbled over her robes and nearly fell on her way up, which caused her cheeks to burn a bright red. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. When the hat was placed over her head, it fell down below her eyes. Only the bottom half of her face was visible, which still was tomato red. After nearly three minutes, Lily smiled and the hat called out, “Gryffindor!” A loud round of applause rang out from everyone except Severus. He truly looked like someone who had just been slapped in the face and I honestly felt sorry for him. But only for a moment. 

One by one more students were called up. The quiet boy from the boat we were next to, Remus Lupin was sorted into Gryffindor, which had that Black boy stand up and shout excitedly. I watched Lily glare at him, since he nearly stepped on her, and roll her eyes. I locked eyes with her, mimed a gagging motion, and we both began to laugh. 

However, my smile quickly left my face and was replaced with pure terror as the next name was called. 

“MacDonald, Mary,” McGonagall yelled out. 

The hall went silent. Either that, or I was so frightened that all sound was blocked out for the moment. I froze for a second, then carefully made my way up to the Sorting Hat. I sat down and the last thing I saw, before the hat covered by eyes, was the eager look on Lily's face. 

_“So…”_

I jumped in shock as a raspy voice filled my head. That hat was speaking to me! I hadn't heard it when anyone else was being sorted. Was it coming from inside my head? 

_“There is most certainly courage; that I can see. Yet also an exceedingly sharp mind,”_ the voice continued. _“Another difficult choice, for sure.”_

I squirmed in my seat. There was something just off about that voice. It made the hairs on my arms stand straight. 

_“Yes… Well then. I would have to say…_ GRYFFINDOR!” The hat shouted and the clapping began. 

A huge smile broke out upon my face. I was going to be with Lily after all! 

I hopped off the stool and ran towards my new table; Lily scooted over so I could slide in next to her. As I did, she hugged me. I stopped breathing. 

“Oh Mary! I'm so glad you're with me!” Lily cried out. 

With her arms wrapped tightly around me, I felt a joy that I had never experienced. An electricity shot through me and I wanted nothing more than for her to hold me and never let go. I felt at home. 

“Me too, Lily. Me too,” I whispered. 

Too soon she let go and we watched the rest of the sorting. A little while later, the arrogant prat with the glasses – James Potter – was also sorted into Gryffindor, much to mine and Lily’s displeasure. The hat was barely on his head five seconds before he was sorted, and he smiled smugly as he strutted to our table. He sat down with the other two boys, plus a chubby blond haired boy named Peter Pettigrew. They all clapped one another on their backs then joined the rest of the students in watching the remainder of the sorting. 

When Severus Snape was called, I heard the four boys snigger. 

“Snivellus,” James scoffed. 

Lily growled softly then focused her attention back to Severus. He gave Lily a sad little smile right before the hat was placed upon his head. 

Severus was another student who sat there for a long time. He was there nearly as long as Lily had been before the hat finally called out, “SLYTHERIN!” 

Lily and Severus’ shoulders slumped, and I watched as Lily gave him a small wave as he dragged his feet towards his table. He sat down next to an older, silver haired student, with extremely pointed features; the boy placed his arm around Severus’ defeated looking shoulders. Lily hung her head. 

“Are you ok Lily?” I asked. 

Lily looked up and I saw a tear fall down her cheek. I had to suppress the urge to catch it and wipe it away. 

“Yeah,” she said. “It’s - it's just that Severus and I have barely been apart for two years. He's my best friend, Mary. And I… I thought we’d go through Hogwarts together,” she admitted in a small voice. 

I felt my heart break for her. I had only known Lily for several hours at that point, but seeing her in pain was horrible. Someone so beautiful shouldn't ever look that sad. 

“Lily,” I began. I wanted to – no, I needed to make her feel better. “You might be in different houses, but you're still in the same school. In the same year. I'm sure we’ll have loads of classes with him.” 

Lily sniffled; I hesitantly put my shaking arm around her shoulders. 

“And you can see him during meals, between classes, after dinner. There will be lots of opportunities to still see him.” 

She nodded her head and the corners of her lips turned up a fraction. 

“I suppose you're right,” she agreed, albeit I could tell it was reluctantly. 

I bumped into her playfully. Was I flirting with her? “Of course. I always am,” I joked with a sly smile, which caused Lily to giggle gorgeously again. Oh boy, I was flirting with her. 

Then Lily poked me in the side; I jumped and so did my pulse. I was extremely ticklish. 

Lily laughed at my reaction and poked my side once more; again I jumped. “Sure you are,” she winked. 

Had she just flirted with me? No, of course she hadn't. Girls don't flirt with other girls. Not normally, anyway. But why had I wished so badly that she did? 

Why had this beautiful, sweet, kind, redheaded girl brought out such strange reactions from me? It felt like a crush, but that couldn't be right. I'd had a crush before. Just once. His name was Oliver Perkins. It was two years prior, he went to my school. I wrote him a note asking if he liked me. He wrote back yes, then he and I spent two weeks sitting near one another in class, not saying a word. He was cute and funny, and he made heart squeeze. Then one day, we just stopped sitting by each other. And that was it. It was over. 

It was like that with Lily, but times ten, and much, much different. With Oliver it just felt a little scary. With Lily, however, it felt terrifying, wrong, confusing  and a bit exciting. I wasn't sure what this was, but I hoped for something good.


	2. The First Time I Kissed Lily Evans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
> 
> _Amazingly stunning CI by Lauralei at The-Dark-Arts.net_   
> 

A few years passed and by the end of third year, puberty had hit full force. Not only had I noticed the changes in my own body, but I began to notice the changes in others as well. It was probably the most confusing and frustrating time of my life. I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me; something off. My stomach would turn when I’d be sitting in the Gryffindor common room, or at our table in the Great Hall, and find myself secretly agreeing with the boys when they would discuss the perfect way Marlene’s jumper would hug her curves, or the way Emmeline’s short skirts would drive them insane. But on the other side of the coin, I had also gushed with the girls when they would discuss how fit Frank had become, how toned and muscular James’ arms were, or how Sirius’ trousers framed his arse almost to the point of perfection. As much as I tried, I wasn’t able to deny it any longer; I was physically attracted to both sexes. Was that even normal? _Was_ there something not right with me? 

It was a secret that I kept closely guarded. Something I did not want anyone to find out about, out of the fear that they would be disgusted by me. I thought that my dorm mates would certainly shun me; not want me around any longer. But what terrified me the most was the thought of Lily not wanting to speak to me again if she knew the truth. I couldn’t lose her. 

Mine and Lily’s friendship had grown much stronger, as had my feelings for her. Sure I’d dated a few blokes, even Remus Lupin and I had a fling for a few months, until he realized his feelings for Sirius Black. I wasn’t really surprised the night that he sat me down and confessed that to me, however. In hindsight, I realized a part of me had already known. I could tell by the way he looked at Sirius. Not only that, but his whole demeanor would change when Sirius was around. It wasn’t too different from the way I acted around Lily; the nervous giggling, blushing face, tendency to become extremely accident prone in their presence. I empathized. 

I wanted so badly to let Remus in on my secret, since he had trusted me so completely and let me in on his own. It had started gnawing away at my insides, like a filthy parasite, slowly feeding on my sanity. I knew I had to tell someone before I went completely mental, but I couldn’t do it. The words ended up becoming stuck somewhere in the middle of my throat. So I just swallowed them back down into the ever growing pit in the center of my stomach. 

I tried to ignore it; push it away and out of sight. But it would still pop up, like an annoying alarm, hell bent on reminding me that I was different. I was determined to go on with my day to day life as normally as I could. I attended my classes, did my homework and goofed off with my friends just as any other student would have. I put on a fantastic act. No one ever suspected a thing. To the outside world I had been a somewhat quiet, yet exceptionally clumsy girl who got on well with mostly everyone. Not someone with a raging storm of confusion and anxiety ever present in her soul. 

Over the years I’d come to realize that James and Sirius really weren’t that bad. Yes, they absolutely were obnoxious at times, but their hearts were in the right place. I had actually ended up pretty good friends with the lot of them; Peter included. Lily, on the other hand, was not as amused by the boys as everyone else had been. That was probably why I was never able to bring myself to dislike James, even though he made his infatuation with Lily no secret. I never saw him as a threat. She hated him too much. 

Lily did remain close with Severus, however. I knew that he hadn’t liked me any more than I liked him. I always assumed he knew how I felt for Lily, and resented how close she and I were. I was almost positive that he thought of me as competition. Of course we were cordial in front of Lily, since neither one of us would have wanted to hurt her by hurting each other. But, truth be told, I hated him. I hated the hungry way that he would look at her and the way he would try to monopolize her time spent outside of Gryffindor tower. Also, a part of me always felt as if Lily had feelings for him. If she did or not, I never knew. She never acted on them if they were there. 

I always hoped that Lily felt for me the same way I had for her. It was the only thing that Severus and I had in common; our unrequited feelings for Lily. Or so I thought… One thing I knew for certain was she had never snogged Severus. But I would never forget the first time I kissed Lily Evans. 

***

It was a Saturday afternoon, she and I had decided to sit under our favorite tree near the Black Lake to do some homework, since it was the first warm day of the year after a long, wet winter. The sun was shining brightly when we had first arrived, but all too soon the clouds rolled in, looking threatening. I felt the air turn colder as a cool breeze gushed by, causing me to lose my place in my Potions textbook. I looked up towards the sky and shivered. It was bound to rain soon. 

“I think we should head inside the castle, yeah?” I asked Lily, who was sprawled out on her stomach. 

While I waited for her to answer, I took a moment to appreciate the masterpiece which laid out in front of me. She had her legs up in the air with her ankles crossed, her wand placed behind her ear and her hair was piled on top of her head in a perfectly undone bun. I couldn’t seem to take my eyes from her lips as she gently bit down on her quill; a look of intense concentration was in her eyes as she studied. I simultaneously rolled my eyes and giggled. She hadn’t heard a word I said. 

“Lily!” I said a bit louder, causing her to snap out of it with a start. 

She looked up at me and pulled the quill from her mouth, which turned up into a heart stopping grin. “Sorry, Mare. What was that?” she asked. 

I sighed and shook my head. Just because I absolutely adored her, it didn’t mean I hadn’t become aggravated with her at times. 

“I said we should probably head in.” I pointed up towards the impending looking clouds. “Unless you’d rather sit out in the rain.” 

Lily’s brow furrowed. “It’s not raining?” she formed more like a question than a statement. 

I rolled my eyes again. “ _Obviously_ , Lil. But it looks and feels like it’s going to at any moment.” 

She laughed. “Alright, alright. No need to get so testy.” 

I couldn’t fight the damn smile that formed at the sound of her delicious laughter. It had been the most beautiful sound in the world to me. 

As she pushed herself off of the ground, my eyes seemed to gravitate towards the small opening between the buttons of her strained white shirt. Lily had developed quite beautifully over the course of the year, which caused some of her clothing to not fit exactly the same way they used to. It was seriously distracting at times. 

A small drop of rain splattered on my forehead, which I was incredibly thankful for; it helped me take my eyes away from Lily. I wiped it off, and then hastily began gathering my belongings. 

“Uh oh. We better hurry!” Lily said as more drops began to fall. 

After everything was packed up, I threw my bag over my shoulder and waited for Lily to finish up. It started raining harder. Finally Lily was ready and she and I quickly made our way towards the castle. It suddenly became a downpour and we were sopping wet. There was no avoiding it, but we still ran anyhow. 

It felt like it took ages, but soon enough we were back inside the dry warmth of the castle. While we stood in the entrance hall to catch our breath, water dripped from us, forming small puddles around our feet. Lily looked down and laughed. 

“We better get out of here before Filch catches us,” she huffed. “He’ll have our heads.” 

The school’s caretaker was a mad, mean little man. Most people would have thought a small amount of water was no big deal. Not Filch. If we stayed there any longer, we ran the chance of him hobbling after us, screaming about flooding the school. He’d probably threaten to hang us in the dungeon by our ankles, or something along those lines. The man was certifiably bonkers. 

I agreed, and she and I scurried up to Gryffindor Tower. We arrived to the portrait of The Fat Lady still out of breath, I huffed the password and we both climbed through. 

“What happened to you? Fancied a dip in the lake?” James yelled from an armchair near the fire place. 

I opened my mouth to tell him to look out the bloody window, that’s what happened to us, but Lily spoke up first. 

“Shut up, Potter,” she hissed before grabbing me by the wrist and marching up the stairs to our dorm. 

“Stupid, arrogant, pig-headed…” she grumbled as we entered. I smiled. 

“I think we should probably get out of these clothes, yeah?” I asked through chattering teeth. We were still soaked and I was freezing. 

I could tell she hadn’t heard me at first. She was still mumbling about James with a scowl on her face. I had to stifle a giggle. She was entirely too cute in that moment. 

“I – we? Oh. Yeah. Let’s,” she agreed distractedly. 

We both summoned some dry clothing and headed towards the bathroom, only to find the door was locked. I placed my ear to the door and I heard our dorm mates yelling to one another, and the sound of the showers running. 

I groaned and leaned my back against the door. I just wanted to stop being cold. 

“Damn. Why would they lock it?” Lily asked, annoyed. 

I snorted. “Because sometimes they don’t think.” We both laughed. It was too true. 

“Well I’m not waiting. I’m freezing.” 

What had she meant that she wasn’t waiting? We were soaked down to our knickers, surely she hadn’t been thinking of getting completely undressed out here. In front of me? My blood ran cold. 

I shook my head. “I’ll wait.” 

“Don't be silly, Mary!” Lily laughed. “We both have the same parts, just get changed.” 

I felt like I could have vomited. Yes, I thought about watching Lily undress more than I cared to admit, but now that she was going to actually do it… I didn't know how to handle that. I wanted to hex Alice, Dorcas and Emmeline for occupying the bathroom. It was their fault I was currently in this dream yet nightmare of a situation. 

Lily laughed again as I stood frozen, not moving a muscle. 

“Well I don't want to be late for dinner, so I'm changing,” she announced before lifting her shirt over her head. 

I knew I should have looked away, but I just couldn't. She was stunning. My heart pounded as my eyes took in the full shape of her plain white bra. I couldn't think straight. The only thing I wanted was for her to release herself of the thin fabric. 

She was even more beautiful than I imagined. My stomach constricted in the strangest way. The yearning discomfort was almost painful. 

My face grew hot as I began to imagine myself running my hands over her pale skin, and wondered if it was as soft as it looked. I needed to take her in my arms and feel her body pressed against mine. I wanted to pull her hair, expose her neck and gently nibble my way down; all the way to her perfectly toned stomach. 

I didn't know how long I stood there staring and fantasizing, but Lily looked up and jumped a bit when she saw me. I quickly took my eyes away from her body and locked them in her green ones. I was sure my face must had been glowing, I was blushing so much. 

I was not sure how long we stood there, watching one another, but it felt like forever. Then all of a sudden, something in her expression changed. 

“Mary?” She asked uncertainly, but still had not covered herself. She stood straight and faced me full on. I could have exploded with shame and pure desire. 

I needed to get a grip on myself. 

When she slowly started to walk towards me, I lost the ability to breathe. The right corner of her mouth turned up just a hair. There was a spark in her eyes I had not seen before. 

My heart seemed to beat four times for every one step that Lily had taken. What was happening? 

“Mary,” she repeated, the tone of her voice sounded an octave lower. “There’s something – I mean – I’ve wanted to ask you something.” She sounded a little apprehensive, despite the confident way in which she glided towards me. 

I gulped. “Y-yes?” 

I tried as hard as I could, but I could not stop my eyes from travelling down right below her neck. My entire body felt on fire. 

She came to a stop about two feet in front of me; not quite inside my bubble of personal space, but closer than normal conversational distance. She bit her lip in a way that made my insides swirl. I almost felt dizzy. 

We stood there silently for a few moments. It wasn't exactly awkward, but there was most certainly a tension building between us. My mind raced with questions of what she possibly wanted to ask me, hopes of what I wanted her to ask me, and thoughts of what I desired. 

After what felt like hours, but was most likely only seconds, Lily spoke. 

“Have you ever wondered what it would be like – I mean,” she blushed as a nervous laugh came from her lips. 

Tentatively, yet boldly, she lifted her arm and slowly reached for me. My eyes widened; I heard my pulse pound like a jackhammer in my ears. Very slowly she pushed a strand of damp hair from my eyes and pushed it behind my ear, leaving her palm resting on my cheek. Almost instinctively, I leaned my head into her touch. 

“Have I ever wondered what _what_ would be like, Lil?” I whispered hoarsely. 

I watched her face carefully. Her brow furrowed and it seemed like she was internally debating something with herself. She took two deep breaths and squared her shoulders. I could almost see the decision to act form in her eyes. 

She stepped in closer, I could nearly feel the heat coming from her body. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up. I couldn’t let myself believe she was about to do the one thing I had dreamed about for ages. If she didn’t, and it ended up being some sort of major misunderstanding, I would had been crushed. 

I could feel my body trembling as she gently ran her fingers through my hair, took another step and pressed her forehead against mine. I swallowed loudly. 

“Lily?” I whispered in alarm. “What are you-“ 

I didn’t finish my questioning of what she was doing, because Lily silenced me in the most wonderful of ways. 

Her lips pressed against mine very softly at first; hesitantly. Like she was asking for permission. The initial shock wore away almost as quickly as it had come on, and before I knew it, I was returning the pressure to her lips. 

It was beyond anything I had imagined. 

She tasted of vanilla. I assumed from the lip gloss she used quite frequently. Her lips were as soft as the petals she was named for and the feel of them sent shivers down my spine. 

What started off as gentle and sweet quickly turned more intense and increasingly passionate. She twisted her hand into my hair and pushed herself into me even more. Our lips moved together fervently before she parted them and I felt her tongue lightly touch my lips. I opened my mouth in response and let her in. 

My head was spinning. 

Without thinking, or even intending to, I scratched my nails down her bare back and felt myself smile when she made a small noise of contentment in the back of her throat. 

I couldn't believe it, Lily Evans and I were full out snogging! Never in my wildest dreams – and I’d had many – had I ever thought it would happen. 

Sooner than I would have liked, Lily pulled away. At first I worried, thinking I had not done it properly, but was relieved when I saw she was smiling. 

Her lips were red and swollen, and I could tell mine must have looked the same. We both panted loudly and laughed a little uncomfortably. 

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly. Her face glowed crimson as she cast her eyes to the ground. 

“Don't be,” I answered in a rush. 

Lily looked up slowly and bit her lip. 

“I've wanted to try that for a while.” 

I had to pinch myself. Surely I was dreaming? 

"I have too," I admitted quietly, not able to look at her when I did. 

It was silent for a heartbeat. Reluctantly, I looked back up at her. 

“You have?” She asked with an eyebrow raised. 

I nodded. 

Surprising me once again, she lunged forward and placed chaste kiss on my lips. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest it pounded so hard. 

Two more light kisses later, Lily pulled away for good. I couldn't stop smiling. 

After that, there were no more kisses that evening. The two of us changed, and when the girls came out of the showers, we acted as if nothing had ever happened. Neither one of us had to say it, but I think we both knew what had just happened should have stayed between us for the time being. 

I hoped that after dinner we might have discussed more of what that was, or what it meant, but we didn't. Regardless, I didn’t care. I’d felt lighter than I had in my life. Lily must have had feelings for me and would not have deserted me if she had found out my secret. Because, very obviously, she had a similar one of her own.


	3. The First Time I Knew I Loved Lily Evans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
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>  
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> _Perfectly beautiful CI by Lauralei at The-Dark-Arts.net_  
> 

For the remainder of our third year, and nearly all through our fourth, Lily and I had continued on with our part-time snogging. We didn’t speak much about feelings, or anything like that. Actually, when we were alone, we didn’t speak much at all. We explored and experimented with one another, like we were each a shiny new toy. Something that we couldn’t stop playing with.

Around our friends and other classmates, we acted the same as we always had. We studied together, played Exploding Snap or Wizard’s Chess in the common room and treated each other no differently than we would Marlene or Remus. It was our own dark, sensual secret, which I think made it even more exciting.

By the time fifth year came around, Lily and I had been much deeper into our… relationship? I wasn’t even sure if we could have called it that. We certainly hadn’t acted like a couple; besides the stolen moments alone with one another, where we turned in to nothing more than wandering hands and lips. Those times that we would run off together and turn into exploding bursts of lust and desire. It was raw, real and simply spectacular.

Lily was intense; it both enticed me and at times exhausted me. Since she was made Prefect, she had much more freedom around the castle. During her rounds, she would owl me to meet her, and she and I would sneak off into a secret corner of the castle, where we would once again become tangled together in a fit of inferno-like passion. She was insatiable, she was wild, she was extreme, and I was not. As much as I loved it, and almost felt like I could never get enough of her, there were times I worried I couldn’t keep up.

I loved her, though. I knew it down into the depths of my soul. I would never forget the first time I knew I loved Lily Evans.

***

It was the week before O.W.L.s and I was studying for Defense in the common room. I was going over the Unforgivables, trying to decide which one was the foulest.

Most people probably would have thought that was obvious, Avada Kedavra; the Killing Curse. No. No I didn't feel that way. That's not saying that the prospect of dying wasn't frightening, Merlin no. It was just that after living at Hogwarts and seeing the ghosts there, I knew there was life after death. The fear of uncertainty had been taken away after seeing their pearly, transparent figures floating about the castle. So, no. Death was not the worst of them.

The Cruciatus Curse sounded terrible. Unbearable in fact. But still, not the most horrible of the three. I was certain that I may had thought differently if I was under the spell, but at that moment, I hadn't known what it felt like. All I knew was that the pain wouldn't – _couldn't_ – last forever. It would end. Pain I could deal with.

It was the Imperius Curse that terrified me the most. Just the idea of someone having complete control over your body, and most especially, your mind. That would have been something I could not have handled. I would have preferred to endure the Killing Curse three times over before I’d let someone take me over in that way. Call it the Gryffindor in me, or whatever you'd like, but Avada Kedavra sounded like a warm bath over Imperio.

It was funny that I had felt that way, since it almost perfectly described the power Lily held over me.

My concentration was suddenly broken when I heard a familiar tapping on the common room window. I looked around, thankful the room was nearly empty, save for a few third years talking animatedly near the fireplace. I got out of my seat and quickly rushed over to the window, where perched outside of it was a brown barn owl; an envelope held in its tiny beak. My heart raced, as it always did at the sight of one of Lily’s letters, and the heat of desire slowly creeped into my stomach. My mouth twitched thinking of how a silly little bird could elicit such feelings inside of me. It was just another thing that had me feeling as if I was completely mental.

I opened the window to let the bird in, stroked his head in thanks and took the letter from him. It always seemed to be the same owl who delivered the letters and I felt like he had become quite accustomed to me as of late. He hooted softly in response, gently nipped my finger then quickly made his departure.  

The contents of Lily’s letters never changed. They always read the same way.

_Mare,_  
_Same place._  
_xoxo Lily_

The parchment smelled of her; vanilla and apples. It was the most wonderful sent in the world, especially when it lingered on my skin for hours after one of our meetings.

I did not want to delay any longer, I needed to see her. I pulled out my wand and sloppily sent all of my belongings back in to my bag, then sent it up to my dormitory. I took a glance at my reflection in the window, smoothed down my hair and pulled a tube of lip-gloss from my pocket to apply. After deciding I looked decent enough, I turned and more or less ran from the common room and out the portrait hole.

During Lily’s patrolling, she had stumbled across the most curious room; she and I had been using it for several weeks at that point. It was on the seventh floor and right across from a tapestry of this man who looked like he tried to teach some trolls to dance the ballet.

The room wasn’t always there, however. It seemed to only appear if you paced in front of a solid wall and thought about someplace you needed. Like Lily, for example. One evening, while she was patrolling, she heard James and Sirius coming her way. James had attempted to ask her out at least a dozen times that day and she had not been in the mood to see him. She told me that she had kept repeating in her head, “ _I just need a place to get away from the prat_ ,” while she desperately looked for even so much as a broom closet, when suddenly, an ornate door appeared, quite literally, out of nowhere. Without a second thought, Lily ducked inside of it and was amazed by what she discovered. She described to me the cathedral ceilings, alleyways filled with what appeared to be years and years’ worth of discarded items from past students and staff.

The night after she originally found it, she went back. Just to make sure it wasn’t a mistake, or odd coincidence. She told me how she paced back and forth in front of the wall asking to see the room she had been in the night before. And much to her amazement, the door appeared once more. Lily ran back up to the common room, where I was sitting and studying, and she literally dragged me out and to her secret room. Amazed was an understatement. I was downright stunned. Not only was it the most intriguing and spectacular thing I had seen in the castle, it was a place where Lily and I could truly be alone.

It was after curfew, so I rushed as quietly as I could through the corridors and prayed I wouldn’t get caught by any of the professors, or worse, Filch. It was freezing and I feared my chattering teeth might end up giving me away, because in my haste to leave and meet Lily, I had forgotten my cloak. I wrapped my arms around myself, clenched my jaw shut tightly and started jogging; all the while losing myself in daydreams of what I knew would transpire in mere moments in the hidden room.

Finally I found myself in front of that absurd tapestry and saw the hall was empty. Lily must had already been inside. I walked in front of the wall asking it for what I needed and smiled as I saw the door appear slowly. I looked around to make sure no one was around, and when I was sure the coast was clear, made my way inside.

The warmth that engulfed me the moment I stepped inside was so very welcomed. For the first time since I left the comfort of the common room, I felt like I could breathe properly. Then I heard the familiar sounds of a record skipping faintly off in the distance and the soft twitter of birds which I had never actually seen all the times I had been in there. The room was always lit in a soft golden glow, almost comparable to it perpetually being twilight. Even though it was unfathomably cluttered, there was an elegant beauty to the room.

“Lily?” I called out as I began making my way to the bed she and I had found a few weeks prior.

“Over here!” I heard her yell. My heart skipped a beat.

I walked through the debris for a few moments until I arrived to our spot. Even though I was probably more accustomed to Lily’s face than my own, seeing it never failed to take my breath away. She had always been a pretty girl, but now that she was transitioning from the round features of childhood, to the sharper lines of womanhood, she was a splendor to behold. It was almost like the sun shined from her eyes. She was remarkable.

She sat cross legged in the middle of an elaborate four poster bed with a golden comforter and lavish pillows. Her head was buried in a book and she did not notice me at first, until I coughed to get her attention.

Lily’s lips turned up in a gorgeous smile when she saw me. “Took you long enough,” she teased.

I laughed and sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. “Shouldn’t you be doing rounds, Miss Prefect?” I joked back.

She put her book down and edged closer to me then began running her fingers through my hair methodically. I almost purred it felt so wonderful. I always loved when she played with my hair.

“I could always go and continue on with them, if that’s what you’d prefer,” she said sarcastically.

I snorted. “Oh shut it. You know you’ll do no such thing.”

I felt Lily’s fingers stop and leave my head. I pouted then turned to face her.

“Really?” She raised a challenging eyebrow.

Our faces were inches from each other and I felt every nerve in my body respond to our close proximity. I leaned forward and placed a light kiss on her lips.

“You won’t,” I whispered after I pulled back. “Because I’m just too irresistible.”

Lily’s head whipped back and a musical laugh erupted from her, which I couldn’t help but join in. Sometimes it was just too easy to be with her. Other times, it made my heart ache, because we weren’t _really_ together.

As we laughed, Lily wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me down onto the bed with her. My pulse quickened and my entire body pulsated with pure need as I felt her pressed tightly against me. Once our laughter subsided, she began peppering soft kisses on my neck and down to my collarbone.

I squirmed underneath her - my whole being ached for more. She paused briefly, only to remove her jumper; I followed suit and removed my own. I had almost come undone as she began lightly tracing intricate patterns, with her fingertips, on my exposed skin. I felt the goose pimples trail after her touch. Soon her caresses became firmer; she massaged my neck and worked her way down my torso. My breath started to come out in heavy pants. She leaned down and kissed me hungrily and I responded by wrapping my arms around her neck and pulling her closer.

At that point all rational thought was removed from my head, and the only things I could focus on were the sweet taste of her lips and the electrifying sensations caused by her touch. The entire time we held one another, it never felt like enough. I always needed her closer; wanted her to hold me tighter. There was nothing in this world more important than the feeling of Lily Evans pressed against my bare skin, the sound of my name being sighed from her mouth, or the intoxicating scent that would attach itself to my skin for hours to come.

After an hour or so we pulled ourselves apart from one another, both breathing heavily and wearing the afterglow one usually has after a night of passion. Our bodies glistened with small beads of sweat, and I couldn’t help but to think she had never looked more beautiful.

“I can’t believe O.W.L.s are next week,” she said after she had caught her breath and looked up at the ceiling with a crease between her eyebrows.

Leave it to Lily to bring up school work after what we had just done.

I let out a small giggle. “Really, Lily? You want to talk exams?”

She blushed then took my hand and intertwined our fingers together. “Well they’re rather important, aren’t they? I mean, how we do on these exams will determine what N.E.W.T. courses we take, which then decides what we do for the rest of our lives.”

She sounded a bit manic, which only caused me to laugh harder.

“What?” she glared at me. “What is so funny?”

I shook my head and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Nothing.”

A mischievous gleam filled Lily’s eyes as I pulled away. Her mouth curled up in a trouble-making smile as she sat up slowly and crept her way closer to me. “I’ll show you nothing,” she threatened right before diving on top of me and tickling every inch of me she could reach.

I cried out for her to stop for what felt like forever until she silenced my protests with another kiss, which led to another glorious hour in our bed.

***

Lily and I had parted ways for the evening, she finished her rounds as I made my way back up towards Gryffindor. I was walking and humming happily to myself when I heard a noise that made my heart drop. I stopped in my tracks and looked all around, sure that I heard someone following me. I knew that if Filch caught me out of bed again, I was a dead woman. It would have been the sixth time that term.

I sped up a bit and hoped I could outrun whoever, or whatever, I heard behind me. It was no use. Soon I found myself taken by surprise and face down on the cold concrete floor. At once I knew that was no teacher or staff behind me; I heard their sniggering.

“Disgusting Mudblood. Don’t you know it’s not good for you to be roaming the halls by yourself at night?” a male voice crooned.

“He’s right, you know. You might end up getting hurt.” Another taunted.

I could actually hear my heart beating, I was that terrified. I might have had a chance if I had my wand ready, and if the cowards hadn’t attacked me from behind. But unfortunately my wand was stuffed into the pocket of my trousers and I was stretched out on my stomach.

I held my breath as I heard footsteps approaching then cried out in pain as one of them kicked me roughly in the ribs. I felt the tears stream down my face when I heard the crack and felt the intense stabbing sensation inside of my body. My rib was broken, I was sure of it.

“Get up, filth!”

With all of my strength, I swallowed down my sobs and tried to remain silent. I was not going to give them the satisfaction of hearing me cry.

Another kick. This time to my head. It felt like my skull split right down the middle, and I saw stars.

“I said, get up!”

One of them roughly pulled me up by my hair and I almost shouted in rage when I saw there were actually _three_ Slytherin boys standing before me; I thought there had only been two. Mulciber, Avery, and much to my utter surprise, Severus.

Severus had an unfathomable look in his black eyes. They were filled with a fury I had not quite seen before. And then it hit me; _he knew._

Lily and I had made the mistake of kissing each other goodnight outside of our secret room. It hadn’t seemed as if anyone was around, but the expression on Severus’ face told me we were not quite as alone as we thought we were. Not anywhere near as alone as I was at that moment. A part of me feared that he might have killed me.

Maybe I could reason with him, I thought. Try to convince him he hadn’t seen what he thought he did.

“Severus,” I grunted. The pain in my ribs was nearly unbearable. “What are you doing?”

A sharp sting crossed my face – Avery slapped me.

“Quiet!” he ordered.

Defiantly, I looked back at Severus and repeated myself. “What are you doing? If Lily knew –“

Apparently mentioning Lily was the wrong thing for me to have said. Severus’ nostrils flared and he bared his teeth.

“How dare you! You disgusting whore. I saw you! I saw the pair of you! You – you…” he seemed to struggle with finding a word horrible enough to call me.

I tried to wrack my brain for any way to explain what he saw. I couldn’t think of anything.

“Severus. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I thought perhaps playing dumb would have worked.

In a quick, fluid movement, Severus flourished his wand and before I could comprehend what was happening, my face felt as if it was stung by dozens of bees. I felt as it began to swell. Between my broken rib and my stinging face, not to mention my battered pride, I started to cry. The tears fell freely down my cheeks, offering a bit of relief to the intense stinging.

“I will not breathe a word of this, Mary,” Severus continued in a chillingly calm voice. “I would not tarnish Lily’s reputation in that way.”

One of his friends, I couldn’t see which one, snorted and mumbled, “Like that would change anything. Mudblood.”

Severus continued on as if he had not spoken. “But do not let me see it happen again, or it will be much, much worse next time.”

I meant to say something. I meant to tell him to fuck off and what Lily and I did was none of his business, but I couldn’t. Before the words could even leave my mouth, a jet of red light left one of their wands and within seconds, I was unconscious.

***

When I woke up in the Hospital Wing the following day, I awoke to Lily sitting stoically next to my bed. She told me how it was James and Sirius who found me laying in the hall and immediately got me to Madam Pomfrey. I knew something changed, because she actually referred to them as “ _James and Sirius,”_ not “ _Potter and Black.”_ But I thought nothing of it at the time.

She begged for me to tell her who had done it. Who it was that abused and tortured me so badly. And that was when I knew I loved Lily, because I couldn’t tell her. I knew how she felt about Severus. I knew how close they were and how much she cared for him. I also knew that if I confessed it was he who had done that to me, it would have destroyed her. People told her all the time that Severus had changed and was not the same boy she grew up with, but Lily refused to see it. I was not going to be that person who forced her to see the truth. That, and I was a bit selfish. I was afraid if she knew _why_ I was attacked, she wouldn’t have wanted to be with me any longer.

It was the first time I lied to Lily. Really, truly lied. For all she had known, I was attacked from behind and never saw who it was. I told her they must have knocked me out before wreaking such havoc on my body. If she believed he or not, I never knew. But I always suspected that deep down she knew the truth. Especially after what happened between Lily and Severus after our O.W.L.s.


	4. The First Time My Heart Was Broken By Lily Evans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](http://s1279.photobucket.com/user/MeggieMarie/media/DC9BB570-60EE-4C2A-9262-06ECF80C681C_zpsrmoqqufl.png.html)
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> _Amazingly, stunningly, absolutely perfect CI by_  
>  _Lauralei at The-Dark-Arts.net_  
> 

Sixth year; everything changed. Lily returned from the summer holidays nearly unrecognizable. After her very public incident with Severus, something had been different about her. You could see the spark, which once shone so brightly, flickered like a dying lightbulb. She never admitted out loud that she was hurting. She put on a brave face for everyone around her, but I knew better. I knew Lily better than I knew myself and it was clear that she was not the same. Neither was our relationship. I would never forget the first time my heart was broken by Lily Evans.

Our meetings became less frequent and when we did still get together, it wasn’t as it used to be. Instead of loving or playful, Lily seemed distant. It felt like she used me to numb the pain. Of course at the time I hadn’t realized that was what she was doing, but looking back on it now, that’s exactly what it was.

We rarely spoke. The moment I would make my way into our secret space she would immediately undress and attack me. We would make love for hours, finish, then she would be gone before I’d even have my clothing back on. I hated it. It left me with an uneasy, dirty feeling. She was slipping away; I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't shake the foreboding feeling that soon she would leave me broken. And, sadly, she did.

***

Others began to notice our obvious distancing from one another. One evening, right before Easter, Remus sought me out and found me studying alone in the library. He startled me when I heard the chair scrape against the floor; it caused me to jump and knock my book off the table. Graciously he bent down and retrieved it then gave me an apprehensive smile. I hadn't liked the look on his face. It plainly said that he wanted to talk, and talking was the last thing I wanted to do with anyone. Except Lily.

“Mary,” he said heavily. Concern saturated every inch of his voice.

I had to fight a strong urge to either hit him or cover my ears with my hands. Instead I settled on returning to my studies. Although, I almost _had_ physically assaulted him when he grabbed the quill out of my hand. I looked up and gave him a look that should have caused his hair to catch fire. Remus was not phased in the slightest, he laughed.

“Come on, Mary. Talk to me,” he pleaded.

Yes, it was true that I had more or less been avoiding most of my friends for weeks at that point. It began to become too exhausting to keep up the charade of being the same happy-go-lucky Mary they had known for the previous five and a half years.

“Go away, Remus,” I said in a tired, monotone voice. It shocked me how much my voice had changed. It sounded empty; not like me at all.

Apparently Remus was not going to let me off so easily. He exhaled loudly then reached for my hand. I recoiled.

“You know that I know, right?” he said cryptically.

I drew in a sharp breath and quickly covered it up with a snort. My body stiffened. I heard a ringing in my ears. He _knew_? How could he have known? We had done everything in our power to _not_ let anyone know. No. No, he must had been speaking of something else.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Remus,” I tried to say in a loud, confident voice, but it came out hardly above a whisper.

I watched as the right side of his mouth lifted and he raised a single eyebrow. “Mary,” he said again. Only that time it was like he was scolding a toddler.

Offense was the best defense, I'd heard. I mimicked his expression and his tone angrily, as I spat his name at him like an expletive. “ _Remus_.”

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Mary, trust me, I know how hard it must be for you to open up about it, but you know you can trust me, right?”

I remained silent.

“Right,” he said after a few moments. “So I reckon we don’t have to talk about the fact that you are in love with Lily, and the two of you have had something going on together, which seems to have recently fallen apart, since fourth year.”

Even though on the inside I was close to breaking down, shouting at him or shutting down completely, I kept my face smooth and impassive. I debated on whether I should have told him or not. He was right, if there was anyone who would have understood, it was Remus. He opened up to me, during third year, about his feelings for Sirius. Feelings which eventually developed into a loving relationship between the two boys. And he was trustworthy. Everyone knew if you told Remus a secret, he would take it with him to the grave. Still, I wasn’t sure if I could have done it. Knowing I was bisexual was one thing, but actually saying it was another; I’d never actually said the word out loud.

I looked into Remus’s golden eyes, which were wide and sincere. I never knew exactly what I saw in them that caused me to change my mind, but something about the warmness of his smile, and the assurance I felt from his stare, calmed me.

I cast my eyes to the table and ran my hand through my hair. “Third year, actually,” I whispered.

I tried to ignore the satisfied smirk that briefly flashed across his lips.

“Looking back on it, I think I knew while we were dating that you had feelings for her, actually,” Remus admitted quietly.

I chuckled softly. How funny it was that the both of us had feelings for other people while we were together, and only saw it in hindsight.

“I knew about you with Sirius, too,” I smiled.

A light shade of red stained Remus’ scarred face as he shrugged apologetically.

“Would you like to talk about it? I feel it’s better to let these things out, rather than hold them in until you explode,” Remus asked.

Honestly, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted so badly to finally unleash and admit everything that I had been feeling, and that had happened over the course of those last few years. The only person I ever opened up to about everything _was_ Lily. But even then, we still never used that word to describe our sexuality. We never said that was what we were. We just... _were._ Also, I could have hardly spoken to Lily about how Lily was breaking my heart. Maybe confiding in Remus wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.

I assumed he read my expression and knew the decision I’d come to, because he slowly stood up and sent my belongings back into my bag with a fluid swish of his wand.

“Come on, Mary. Let's take a walk.”

Feeling as if I had no other choice, I rolled my eyes and reluctantly stood up. “Fine,” I conceded.

Remus and I left the library and slowly strolled through the deserted corridors of the castle. For not really wanting to talk about everything, I was amazed at how freely and quickly the words began pouring out of my mouth once I had gotten started. I told Remus everything – well, almost everything. I’d left out a lot of the more intimate details of mine and Lily’s relationship.

I’d told him how I felt the first time I saw her. How confusing and kind of scary it was to feel an attraction to this _girl_ whom I had just met. How that attraction only continued growing stronger with each day spent in her presence.

Remus was a fantastic listener. He remained silent nearly the entire time, only once in a while offering a reassuring word, or offering a joke to lighten the mood when needed. I never dreamed that I would have felt _that_ much better after finally opening up and admitted everything to someone. It was an unbelievably liberating feeling.

“So what’s the issue then?” Remus asked before I had gotten to the part about Lily distancing herself from me, little by little.

I shook my head and let out a heavy sigh. “I really don’t know, to be quite honest. Everything seemed to start falling apart after she and Severus parted ways. After he called her… called her a-“ I couldn’t say the word.

My throat felt tight and that uncomfortable prickling feeling of welling tears stung my eyes at the thought of Lily’s face when that disgusting, sodding, waste of perfectly good oxygen called her that horrible name. True, it was nothing that she or I hadn’t heard before, but coming from her _best friend,_ it was entirely different. Harsher. More severe.

I gestured towards a stone bench beneath one of the windows in the hallway, then Remus and I both took a seat. My shoulders sagged from the overwhelming weight of sadness I’d been carrying around with me for weeks. Remus raised his arm slightly, hesitated for a moment, then put it around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze.

“Do you think perhaps she’s afraid of being hurt by someone she cares for again? And that’s why she’s pushing you away?”

I hadn’t thought of that. It was definitely a good possibility. I shrugged. “Maybe?”

But then something occurred to me. I’d noticed throughout the course of the year something I really hadn’t given much thought to before that moment. Lily’s entire attitude towards James Potter had shifted. For starters, she almost never referred to him as _Potter,_ and I’d actually caught her laughing at a few of his jokes. She also started sitting with James, Sirius, Remus and Peter during meals, and hung around them quite a bit in the common room. There was also something else that had bothered me, something I only really thought of in those moments right before drifting off to sleep. Even the way she looked at him had changed. Instead of the icy, murderous glared I’d become accustomed to her throwing his way, she almost seemed to have stars in her eyes when she’d watch him. The way she looked at James Potter had become quite similar to the way she had once looked at… _me._

She didn’t care for me any longer. At least, not in that way. After years of James’ persistence, and her no longer under the influence of Severus’ friendship, she was now seeing James as everyone else saw him. A bit of a goof, but all around a genuinely decent bloke. That was why Lily and I had not been together in our secret room since Christmas time. She had fallen for James. I’d lost her.

Until I’d felt the tears falling onto my clenched hands, I hadn’t even realized I’d begun to cry.

“No, R-Remus,” I hiccoughed. “I don’t think that’s it. It’s quite obvious, isn’t it?”

I looked up at his blurred face through tear filled eyes. He shook his head as a crease of confusion formed between his eyebrows. “I’m not really sure what you mean, Mary. What’s obvious?”

A bitter laugh left my lips. “She’s finally fallen for James.”

It was silent for a few seconds. Remus looked thoughtfully across the corridor. He nodded subtly. “Oh,” was all he said, then squeezed me more tightly.

I’d sat there crying for a long time that evening. Remus rubbed soothing circles on my back, occasionally saying he was sorry. I was grateful for him. Grateful that he hadn’t forced me to talk anymore and just let me cry myself out. I knew I was correct in my assumption about Lily, but I had to hear it from her. If she and I were really over, I knew I’d needed closure. And until I heard the words from her mouth, I wouldn’t let myself fall apart any more. I knew I needed to pull myself together and find her. She and I needed to talk.

Gently I wiggled myself out from Remus’ arm and wiped my face with back of my sleeve. Remus looked worried for me. He eyed me carefully, almost like he was trying to see through me and read my thoughts.

“Really, I’m alright now,” I lied. True, I was finished crying, but I was far from alright.

I knew Remus hadn’t bought it, but I appreciated that he humored me and pretended that he had.

“Why don’t you talk to her about it?” he suggested.

“That’s what I was planning on.”

I could have vomited. Just because I knew I needed to hear it from her, that didn’t mean I wanted to. What I _wanted_ was for her to tell me I was being completely silly, laugh her tinkling laugh then snog me into next Sunday. But I knew that was far from what would happen.

On our walk back to the common room I had an idea. It was still roughly an hour from curfew, so I had time.

“Remus, I have to do something. I’ll see you later on, yeah?” I said.

“Er… sure?” he said, undeniably confused, but something about my manic expression must had kept him from questioning me.

I leaned up on my tippy-toes and placed a small kiss on his cheek, leaving him looking even more confused. “Thanks!” I said, before turning on my heel and sprinting towards the Owlry.

***

As I paced and waited for Lily to hopefully arrive to our spot, I played out every possible scenario in my head of what may come. I figured there could have been three different outcomes, if she did show.

One - she would tell me that I was completely wrong and had built it all up in my head, and she and I would continue on and live happily ever after. Two - she would confirm what I believed was true. That she had developed feelings for James and did not wish for the two of us to carry on any longer. Three - she would tell me I was mental, she had not developed feelings for James, but still, she did not wish for us to carry on any longer. I really hoped it was the first one.

I waited for what felt like days until I heard the sound of a door closing, followed by a soft voice calling out my name. “Mary?”

I felt like I was doused in ice cold water. Soon I would have an answer, one way or another.

“Over here, Lily,” I yelled back.

It seemed like the room started spinning, because I was so nervous. I held my breath.

When Lily appeared from around the corner I almost lost my nerve. I almost said, _You know what Lily, never mind. Have a wonderful evening._ But I didn’t. Instead I stood there frozen and studied her face carefully. It had changed since the beginning term. When we first arrived back to school in September, Lily’s face had a tired, drawn quality about it. She had bags under her eyes and was paler than I’d ever saw her. Lily’s skin had always been fair, but then, it looked sickly.

Looking at her in front of me, I saw a touch of color had returned to her cheeks. The bags under her eyes were all but gone. And that spark, the light that was unique to her eyes alone, seemed as it was almost back in full force. As happy as I was to see her looking more like herself, it saddened me horribly. It saddened me because it made me realize just how long it had been since I truly looked at her properly, despite us sharing a dorm together. It saddened me, because it only showed how long it had been since she and I had spent any time together. I’d begun to feel like I hardly knew her any longer.

Lily’s mouth turned down in a frown as she scrutinized my face.

“You look terrible, Mary. Are you not feeling well?” she asked softly.

I almost laughed. I couldn’t believe she had actually asked me that. Truly she hadn’t known why I wasn’t looking well? After all we’d been through? She didn’t realize that maybe it was her absence, her disappearing out of nowhere that caused me to look that way?

I shook my head. “Not really, no.” I whispered.

She took a step towards me. “Sorry,” she said. From the tone of her voice, I knew that she was apologizing for much more than me just not _feeling well._ The way she said it, I could tell she was apologizing for much, much more. There was such a weight on that small word, it could have sunk a battle ship within seconds.

“I know,” I responded.

And that was when I knew. We were over.

Suddenly my legs did not seem to be able to hold the weight of my body; of my overwhelming heartache. I sank slowly down onto the bed that she and I had spent so many wonderful hours in. I wanted to take my wand to it and blow it into a thousand pieces. For an object that used to bring me so much pleasure and so much happiness, it now represented loss and anger.

Hesitantly Lily walked forward and sat down next to me. I scooted away from her.

“Mary,” she exhaled. “Please don’t be like that.”

Her voice shook, like she was holding back tears. A part of me relished in the fact that she was hurting as well.

“It’s James, isn’t it?” I asked without preamble.

I heard her sharp intake a breath. “Of course it isn’t!” she immediately denied.

I looked up at her face, which was flaming red. She couldn’t seem to look me in the eye, either. She was lying.

I snorted. “Right. If you say so, Lily.” I said flatly.

I hadn’t wanted to beat around the bush any longer. I wasn’t strong enough to stay there with her if I couldn’t be _with_ her. I had to know – even though, truly I had known – that we were finished. Because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could have held myself together.

“Mary listen-“

“No, I just want to know,” I interrupted her. “Are we through? Because you’ve barely spoken to me in weeks. You almost seem to be going out of your way to avoid me. I deserve more than that, Lily. You know I do. So please, just tell me, are you finished with me?”

I braced myself as I watched Lily wring her hands together. Still, she seemed unable to bring herself to look at me. I counted my heartbeats while waiting for her to answer. 57 later, she spoke.

“Yes, yes. I think we’re through, Mary. I’m sorry,” she said quietly. I waited for her to elaborate, but she did not say any more.

I wasn’t having that. I wanted – no needed, an explanation.

“Why?” I demanded.

Finally she looked directly at me. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. I felt one of my own glide down my cheek.

“Because, Mary,” she began; throwing her hands up in the air. “What kind of relationship could we really have?”

My heart stopped. It was the main thing that nagged at the edge of my mind the entire time we were together. Why else had she kept me her dirty little secret? She’d been ashamed of me.

“The same one we’ve had?” I suggested.

Lily snorted. “Oh yes, doesn’t that sound lovely? Sneaking around, hiding in dark corners of the castle, not being able to show affection in public. That sounds like the most wonderful, healthy relationship, doesn’t it?” she shouted.

I was speechless.

“Think about it, Mare. It’s bad enough that most of wizardkind already hates us due to our _filthy blood._ Imagine if people found out we were romantically involved?”

“But why should that matter?” I cried out. “Nearly everyone knows about Remus and Sirius, and no one seems to give a damn!”

She shook her head as a sardonic smile formed on her lips. “Because everyone knows that James, Sirius, Remus – and even little Peter – would hex them into next week,” she said with an edge to her voice. “That doesn’t mean that people still don’t talk behind their backs.”

I’d started to become angry. So that was what worried her? What people would _think?_ Her reputation had been more important than our feelings for one another? I’d almost preferred that she had told me it was because she’d fallen for James. At least that I would had been able to wrap my head around!

“You really care that much about what people might think?!” I screeched.

Lily looked alarmed. It wasn’t often that I’d lost my temper in that way.

“Mary, please, be reasonable. It’s just not what people do! You learn at an early age; go to school, get an education, meet someone, get married and start a family. We could hardly get married or start a family, and…” she trailed off.

“And what, Lily?”

She gave me a look that seemed to just beg me to understand. But I couldn’t.

“And I want children… eventually.”

I felt like the air had deflated out of me. I would have given Lily anything in the world. _Anything._ But I could not give her that.

“Oh,” I said. “Right.”

Lily reached over and took my hand. For a second I debated on ripping it away from her, but instead I let myself relish in the feel of her soft, warm skin for one last time. Then, after trying my hardest to keep myself from falling apart, tears begun streaming down my face as my shoulders shook with silent sobs.

I heard Lily sniffle. “I’m so sorry, Mary,” she whispered hoarsely.

I looked up and gave her a strained smile. “So am I.”

We sat there for quite some time, just holding hands and crying quietly. There was no more begging, no more yelling, no more pleading. Just silence. It was the loudest silence I’d ever been in; it was almost deafening.

Before she left, she gave me one last kiss on the cheek, squeezed my hand and walked out of our secret room, leaving me behind to pick up the shattered pieces of everything that we had known.

I’d never experienced heartbreak before that point, but had heard how awful it was. I’d read about it in books and had seen it in movies, so I’d thought I had a grasp on how painful it might had been. How wrong I was. It didn’t exactly feel like your heart was breaking, as the name would suggest.  It almost felt like your heart was missing. Like there was a large, gaping, festering hole where it had once beat so strongly. My body felt heavy; dreadfully heavy. Like the weight of every person’s problems and troubles had been placed upon me, crushing me and making it near impossible to breathe. I’d felt hopeless, lost and excruciatingly _sad._  I wouldn’t have wished that feeling on my worst enemy. Not even Snape.


	5. The Final Time My Heart Was Broken By Lily Evans - pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](http://s1279.photobucket.com/user/MeggieMarie/media/WmDIjSl_zpsytokanty.gif.html)
> 
>  
> 
> _Amazingly, stunningly, absolutely perfect CI by_   
>  _Lauralei at The-Dark-Arts.net_   
> 

Throughout our seventh year I realized that my rapid descent into crippling depression was in direct correlation to Lily’s growing affection for James. The two of them had started dating not long after term began. Apparently she had seen him quite a bit over that summer, and the two of them fell _madly in love,_ or whatever nauseating term you’d like to use. It was nearly unbearable to be around the pair of them, and despite my feelings for Lily, I wasn’t the only one who had felt that way. On many occasions Sirius would crack a joke about needing to vomit, or Remus would loudly call over to the lovebirds to get a room. There were times that I’d almost felt she was flaunting her relationship; rubbing it in my face. Of course, that was most likely the bitterness that caused me to feel that way. Lily was never that type of person. There wasn’t a vindictive bone in her body. But I would have preferred to believe she was putting on a show rather than the alternative – that she really had fallen in love with James Potter.

I started to distance myself from the lot of them; kept to myself most of the time. I generally preferred the company of a good book over the mindless prattle of most of my classmates. I couldn’t be bothered with the rumors of who slept with whom, which moron received a detention, who McGonagall told off in the corridor, or any of the other mundane nonsense that used to amuse me. Emmeline and Dorcas had eventually given me up as a bad job, which was fine by me, because made it less noticeable that I wasn’t really speaking to Lily much at that point either.

There was only one person, besides Remus, who hadn’t abandoned me. Oddly enough, the person I became closest to during that time was Peter Pettigrew. Something seemed different about him, as well. He also became more withdrawn – which was saying something, because he was always the least boisterous out of his friends – and had an air of sadness around him. It was what brought us together, I thought. Our mutual depression. A part of me secretly wondered if he had been in love with James and that was what caused his sudden change of personality. Regardless, it was nice to have at least one more friend. Especially one who was as miserable as I was. Like they say, misery loves company.

Even though I truly did like Peter, I really never saw him as a sharp bloke. That was why it completely surprised me one evening when he asked a question I’d never expected him to ask.

Lily and James were busy publicly inspecting each other’s bodies in the common room, when Peter suggested we take a walk. I was incredibly thankful for the escape and all but ran out of the portrait hole when he asked.

“Mary?” he asked as we passed the Great Hall. “How long have you been in love with Lily?”

I stopped dead in my tracks.

“I’m sorry,” my voice was rough, despite the octave higher it came out at.

He put his hand on my arm and smiled kindly. My heart was racing.

“I won’t say anything. Promise. It’s just…” he trailed off.

Merlin! I really never thought that I’d made it that obvious. First Remus the year prior and now Peter! I wondered who the hell else knew.

I didn’t want to talk about it. I was tired of talking about it. Lily and I were over. Done. Finished. There was no use discussing it at all and the fact that he had asked me that made me incredibly angry.

I ripped my arm away from him and began walking away quickly.

The slapping sound of his footsteps was quickly followed by him yelling my name. I didn’t stop.

“Ok!” he called out. “I’m sorry, alright? I shouldn’t have asked.”

When I stopped and faced him, he honestly looked so pathetic that I couldn’t stay angry with him. His watery eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears, but honestly, they always did, and his bottom lip jutted out in a small pout. My shoulders sagged and I felt the left corner of my mouth turned up the tiniest amount.

“It’s alright, Peter,” I told him. He perked up immediately at my softening expression. “I’d just rather not talk about it, if that’s alright?”

“Alright, Mare. If that’s what you want,” he said.

I reached up and ruffled his hair playfully then looped my arm through his, and we continued our walk around the castle, acting as if a discussion about Lily never even happened.

We started to talk about what we wanted to do after we left Hogwarts, since N.E.W.T.s were right around the corner, and the fact that we were leaving school was becoming more real with each passing day. Both Peter and I expressed a slight interest in joining the resistance against Voldemort. It was a secret group that Dumbledore headed which he called, _The Order of the Phoenix_. Students weren’t supposed to know about it, but Frank Longbottom – who left school after our sixth year –  had let us in on the secret during our holiday break in December.

The happenings outside of the castle were not lost on us. We read the articles in _The Prophet_ about the sudden disappearances, murders and other vicious things You-Know-Who and his followers were causing. I’d even advised my own parents to leave the country for a while and stay with some relatives in The States, just until things calmed down a bit in Britain. Muggles had been targeted left and right, and I did not want to take any chances.

I was proud of Peter when he told me that he wanted to join. He had always been kind of meek and a bit soft spoken; not the sort you would expect to join a movement against the darkest wizard of our age. But I had to admit, he had seemed a little reluctant about it.

Soon our conversation turned lighter and more playful.

“Oh! I forgot I had to tell you something funny,” he said as he bumped his shoulder into mine.

“What’s that, Pete?”

He started laughing before even getting the words out of his mouth. My curiosity was peaked.

“What?!” I asked, and joined in with his laughter. I assumed it had to have been something really good for him to behave that way.

Finally he pulled himself together. “I know someone who fancies you,” he sang like a nursery rhyme.

The smile left my face. Unless he was telling me that Lily was leaving James and coming back to me, I really couldn't have cared less.

“Who?” I said flatly.

“You know Reginald Cattermole? Hufflepuff in our year?” he asked.

I vaguely knew who he spoke of. He was a tall, skinny, redhead in our year. Very quiet, a bit of a nerd, but seemed like a nice bloke. He wasn’t too bad looking, either. In a cute, puppy dog kind of way. I supposed it was the innocence about him that caused that. Cattermole seemed like the kind of person who you would want to bring home to your parents. Someone sweet and very safe. The complete opposite of what I’d had with Lily.

“Yeah?” I asked. “Why don’t you introduce me to him, then?”

Peter smiled widely.

***

“Mary!” Reg called out from our living room. “Mail’s here! You’ve got something from Lily!”

I was in our kitchen making some tea before Peter and Remus came for a visit. We’d been out of Hogwarts for nine months, and most people thought it had been very rash for me to have moved in with Reg, since we’d only been dating for eight of those months. But I enjoyed being with him. Our relationship was as easy and as normal as you could get. He treated me like a queen; like I was the most special woman in the world. Everything he did seemed to be solely for the purpose of making me happy.

 I guess I liked him. I might have even loved him, in a way. Yet, I would had been lying if I’d said I wasn’t a bit bored. We just didn’t seem to have that same kind of passion that I’d once had with a different redhead. One who seemed to have felt the need to write to me that day. My mouth ran dry.

“Coming,” I yelled back.

I walked out of our tiny kitchen and into the living room where Reg was sat in a worn, brown armchair – it was a hand-me-down from his uncle – next to our fireplace. He smiled and his eyes were bright with unconditional love as I entered. He pushed his glasses back up his nose and handed out an ivory envelope. Written on the front, in beautiful purple calligraphy was mine and Reg’s names and address. I had an idea of what was inside. Rumors had been floating around The Order for weeks. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

“Something wrong, Mary?” Reg asked, his brow pulled together in concern.

I began to tear the letter open and shook my head slowly. “No. I’m fine, Reg.” I plastered a phony smile on my face.

As I pulled out the parchment from inside, my throat tightened and a surge of anger coursed through me upon reading its contents. I could not believe she’d had the nerve.

  
  
_Miss Lily Evans & Mssr. James Potter _  
_Cordially invite you to_  
_Join them in the union of Magical Matrimony at Potter Manor._  
  _Fourteenth of April, Nineteen Hundred and Seventy-Nine_  
_At 13:00_  


 

My hands began to tremble as I read the words on the light pink page. It smelled of vanilla and apples – of Lily.

I hadn’t smelled her fragrance that strongly in so long, it took me off guard. Images of her laughing underneath me, running her fingers through my hair, and pressing me close to her body came unbidden into my mind. Even after all of that time, I still wasn’t over her. I had still loved her. Tears of anger, shame and undeniable sadness started streaming down my face. She was marrying James.

Obviously Reg was alarmed by my reaction. What normal person begins to sob uncontrollably when they receive a wedding invitation from their _friend?_ He quickly jumped out of his seat and wrapped his arms around me.

“Mare, what is it?” he whispered into my hair.

That moment was the closest I’d ever come to confessing to Reg and telling him about me, about Lily and myself… about what I was. He and I told one another everything. Well in my case, almost everything. I’d never had the courage to discuss my sexuality with him, or my past relationship with Lily. He had no idea. As far as he had known, I hadn’t dated anyone besides Remus Lupin our third year at Hogwarts. There were times that it had almost exploded out of me, but in the end I’d never been able to do it. I never knew why I couldn’t do it. Reg was a loyal, understanding and unfathomably kind man. I knew he wouldn’t have thought differently, or poorly of me if he knew, but for whatever reason, I was ashamed and just could not do it. Which was why it was so hard to try and think of a reason I’d behaved so strangely after receiving Lily’s invitation.

I came up with a bunch of bullshit half-truths. I told him that seeing her wedding invitation just caused me to realize how quickly life was passing by and how grown up and adult it made me feel. How I felt like we were just small children mere months ago, and now we’d been thrown into this world of war, responsibility and adulthood. I wasn’t ready for it all, I cried to him; I wanted to go back to when life was simple, easy and fun.

Reg held me tighter and stroked my hair, then I completely lost it. I wasn’t good enough for someone like him. He deserved better than someone as fucked up and broken as I was, but I was too selfish to let him go. I couldn’t bear being left alone again. As if he would have left me anyhow. The damn fool.

When Peter and Remus stopped by, Reg said that he had some errands to run, but I knew it was his way of letting me spend some time alone with my friends. The three of us sat at the kitchen table, and I hated the worried and sympathetic looks the two idiots were giving me. Obviously I had been crying, my face was still blotchy and my eyes were red and puffy, but they didn’t have to make it _that_ obvious that they could tell.

Finally I had enough of the silence and not-so-covert looks they were giving one another when they thought I wasn’t looking.

I set my tea cup back on the table and sighed. “Alright, just say what you are itching to say already and get it over with, please.”

Both of them, at the same time, started to deny that they wanted to say anything. The frightened looks on their faces actually were quite amusing and I began to laugh.

“Come on you two,” I said between giggles. “I’m really not _that_ scary, am I?”

Remus cracked a smile. “Terrifying, actually.”

Peter nodded in false agreement, a smirk formed on his face as well.

I raised my hands and bent my fingers like claws. “Rawr!”

The three of us all laughed and the tension which felt suffocating mere moments before began to slowly melt away.

“But seriously, Mare. How are you holding up,” Peter asked after we regained composure.

I wasn’t quite sure how to answer him without sounding like a complete arse. Honestly I had no right to be so upset about Lily’s upcoming marriage to James. She and I hadn’t been together in a very long time and I was in a relationship with a man who I cared very much about. Yes, she was my first love, and that was something that sticks with you. No matter how good or bad the relationship was, your first latches their way onto your heart and never fully lets go. But was it right of me to be behaving in such a way when I was with someone else? Probably not.

“I’m fine,” I lied. I saw Remus open his mouth, presumably to disagree and call me out on my lie. “It was just a bit of a shock, that’s all,” I said quickly before he could speak.

Peter raised an eyebrow and shared a _look_ with Remus which caused a wave of anger to course through my body. It was a look which clearly stated, _“Yeah, mate. She’s full of it.”_ Sometimes those two were infuriating.

“Are you sure, Mary? Because you look…” Peter trailed off. I assumed it was the glare I flashed in his direction. He sank down in his chair.

“Do you both want to talk about looks? Because, in case neither one of you owns a mirror, let me tell you; neither of you are going to appear on the cover of _Witch Weekly’s Sexiest Wizard Alive_ issue this year.”

Both of their faces dropped.

Damn me and my bloody conscience. As soon as I saw their expressions, I immediately felt terrible. It wasn’t Remus’ fault he had horrid scars and scratches down his face. It was his unfortunate condition which caused that, and I knew it was _extremely_ cruel of me to make such a rude comment about his appearance. Poor Peter had never really been what you could call attractive. And considering that he was friends with two of the fittest blokes at Hogwarts for a majority of his life, I’m sure that couldn’t have felt good, what I had just said. I wondered when I became so shrewd and bitter.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Neither one of them spoke for a few more moments. Then, after what felt like forever, Peter gave me a small, sad smile.

“S’Alright, Mare,” he said softly. I could tell that I’d really hurt his feelings.

Not too long after that Remus and Peter left. They made up some excuse about needing to meet Sirius somewhere. They said they had a job to do for Dumbledore, but I had a sneaky feeling that they just wanted to get out of there. I hadn’t exactly been the most gracious hostess.

As I cleaned up after them, I thought that Reg probably wouldn’t have been home for a few more hours. I knew that he expected the boys to be there much longer than they were, and was most likely off visiting the Longbottoms. Frank had always been a sort of hero to Reg; almost like a big brother sort. It was usually where he went whenever he would leave to give me time alone with my friends.

As much as I tried to ignore it and not think about it, the fact that Lily had sent me an invitation kept poking at the edge of my mind. I couldn’t figure out why she would have thought to invite me. Yes, she and I were friends, but we also had a past. A very intimate and intense past. That and, besides meetings for The Order, we hadn’t really spoken to one another much since we were together. It wasn’t exactly like we were close. I just didn’t get it.

I didn’t know what made me do it, but before I could overthink it, I was grabbing my cloak and heading out the front door. I had to see her. I had to tell her in person that I was sorry, but I just couldn’t make it. I wasn’t strong enough to be there. After fastening the button on my cloak, I turned on the spot and felt the suffocating pressure envelope me into the darkness.

My feet slammed onto a dirt road as I caught my breath and looked up at the giant Potter Manor which Lily and James lived in. James’ parents both passed away over the course of the year, so he and Lily took up residence in their huge home until they found something a little more modest. The place was quite intimidating, to be honest. It looked like something out of one of those black and white movies from the nineteen-thirties. Grandiose the house stood with its many, many windows, wall of hedges surrounding the yard, which waas nearly the size of the grounds at Hogwarts, and a line of willow trees lining the walkway to the front door.

My heart pounded as I slowly walked with crunching footsteps to their home. I didn’t know what it was about Lily, but something always seemed to pull me right back. I told myself that I was only there to personally decline her invitation, but in the back of my mind, I knew that I just had to see her. Maybe seeing her would cause her to realize she was making a mistake and she would call off the wedding? Maybe she would decide she didn’t care what people thought of her feelings for me? Maybe we could truly end up happily together?

I shook my head in a jerky fashion, trying to rid myself of such thoughts. I was in a relationship and it wasn’t right for me to think in such a way. I was just there to tell her no, that was all.

I took the steps reluctantly. When I reached the third step, I changed my mind. I couldn’t do it. There was no reason for me to have to speak with Lily face to face. I would just go home and send her an owl politely refusing to show to the wedding. She’d understand. I didn’t think she really expected me to go anyhow. I reckoned she probably just invited me to be polite. Just so I hadn’t heard about it from everyone else.

When I turned around and started rushing down the stairs, I heard a voice behind me.

“Mary?” James asked.

I froze.

My blood felt like it slowly iced over.

“Mary, is that you?” he asked again. This time his voice sounded a bit closer.

Quickly I plastered a wide smile on my face and turned around.

“James!” I exclaimed a little too brightly. I was definitely overdoing it.

James rushed towards me and surprised me by engulfing me in a tight bear hug. He lifted me off of my feet.

“Oh Mary it’s so good to see you! Lily will be so pleased that you’ve stopped by. She was just saying the other day that it’s a shame you two don’t get to see each other much anymore,” he exclaimed all in a rush.

As much as I wanted to hate James Potter, I couldn’t. I never did, really. James was a great person and a great friend. The only thing he was guilty of was the same thing that Severus and I were guilty of, at one time or another – falling under the spell that was Lily Evans. It couldn’t be helped, honestly. There was just something about her that seemed to draw people in. He was another one who never stood a chance when it came to her. The only difference was, he was the lucky one. You could see it in his eyes. They shone with that same light that Lily held in hers. Almost like she transferred some of it to him. It made my heart constrict in the most painful way.

“Did she now?” I asked flatly when he let me go.

He nodded with a big goofy grin that was so typically James. I couldn’t help but to smile back; his was infectious.

“She’s in the sitting room listening to the radio, why don’t you go in and see her. I really wish I could stay, but I’ve got to meet up with Pad – erm, Sirius, Remus and Peter, unfortunately.”

Lovely. She and I would be alone. I actually kind of hoped that James would have been there as a buffer.

“No worries, James. We’ll catch up again another time.”

James and I said goodbye, and as soon as I heard the distinct pop that told me he had Disapparated, I walked into the house. Truthfully I wanted to fly right back out the door, but since James had seen me, I couldn’t very well leave.

As I stood in the foyer of their home, glancing up at the crystal chandelier which seemed way too lavish for James or Lily, I took a deep breath and began my way down the hallway, next to the spiral staircase. I heard music coming from a room towards the back of the house and assumed that must had been where Lily was.

My stomach did flips and I had to swallow down a bit of bile that rose in my throat. I shouldn’t have gone there.

I knocked gently on the door and felt like my heart stopped beating altogether when I heard her musical voice call out, “Come in!”

I inhaled like it was the last breath I would ever take, squared my shoulders and marched confidently into the room. But the false bravado I tried to portray quickly melted away upon seeing her perfect figure curled up delicately in an oversized armchair. The smile she gave me seemed to light up the entire room, and my heart, which felt as if it hadn’t beaten properly in months, came alive with a vengeance. But deep down I knew that she would soon leave said beating heart shattered once more. And shatter it is what she did. I know I’ll never forget the final time my heart was broken by Lily Evans.


	6. The Final Time My Heart Was Broken By Lily Evans - Pt. 2

As I stood in the doorway I watched Lily’s eyes caress every inch of my body. I felt naked under her scrutinizing stare and fought a strong urge to cover myself. It was the first time she and I had been completely alone together since that day in The Room of Requirement, and my nerves were cruelly reminding me of that fact.

“Mary?” She said, almost like she thought she imagined seeing me there. She sat up straight then scooted to the edge of her seat. “What are you doing here?”

Looking into her emerald eyes, suddenly I found myself asking the same question. Why had I felt as if I need to go there? Why couldn’t I have just sent her an owl, politely refusing? Why? Easy, it was because, after all this time, I still wasn’t over Lily Evans. Just looking at her face, which mockingly glowed at my presence, and made my heart rate accelerate, was enough to tell me that. I still loved her. Was it possible to love both Lily and Reg? I thought so. I always believed that you could love more than one person at the same time. 

Just as she used to when we were younger, Lily was staring a hole right through me, awaiting a response. 

“I’m not sure, to be honest,” I whispered. 

 

Her brow furrowed and I watched the disappointment grow in her eyes. 

“You could have just sent a letter, you know,” she said softly. 

I didn't know what to say, but I knew she figured out the reason I showed up announced, on the day that I received her wedding invitation. Lily was nowhere near unintelligent, of course she figured it out. 

“I couldn't do that.” 

“Why? Why not,” she hissed. Her narrowed eyes were as cold as ice. 

I turned my gaze to the floor and felt the heat rise up my cheeks. 

“I - I…” I trailed off. 

What followed was the thickest and most uncomfortable silence I had ever endured. It was almost physically painful, like someone was sitting on my chest, making it nearly impossible for me to breathe. 

 

Finally Lily broke the silence, but considering what she tried to say, I wished she hadn't. 

“Mary… You know a part of me will always lo-” 

“Don't!” I shouted. Lily flinched. “Don't you _dare_ tell me a part of you will always love me. If that were true, you wouldn't have broken it off to begin with.” 

Lily’s mouth popped open, but that didn't stop me. It was like a dam had burst, and everything I’d been feeling, since that day she left me broken, began spewing out of my mouth. 

“If you _loved_ me, like you claim, then you wouldn't have given a damn what people thought! You wanted children? We could have adopted. Or we could have gone the Muggle way, and had one of us inseminated. But, no. No! You chose to cut and run, and do you know why?” 

I paused, and Lily stared at me dumbfounded, her mouth was still popped wide opened. 

“Because you _never_ loved me. Never! What you loved was the idea of us. The sneaking around, the doing something that felt wrong and exciting. Miss-Follows-All-The-Rules had me as her dirty little secret. Her silent way of rebelling. And you know what, Lily? That's shit. I loved you, and you knew it, and you used me!” 

My chest was heaving in anger and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. I couldn't remember the last time I had been that angry. I didn't even feel sorry when I saw the tears start to fall from Lily’s emerald eyes. 

“Mare. I - I… You're wrong,” she whimpered. 

I raised an eyebrow, challenging her denial. “Am I?” 

I took her open-mouthed silence as confirmation that I most definitely was not incorrect. The realization of it all finally came crashing down on me, and in that moment I knew the truth. Lily Evans truly had not loved me. Sure, she had me fooled for a long time. All of those nights together in the Room of Requirement screamed of her love. At least...to me it did. Because I was blinded. Blinded by first love and hormones and the silly childish idea that if you loved someone who was intimate with you, that _had_ to mean they loved you back. What a damn fool I had been. 

“I guess I have my answer,” I said with steel in my voice. 

I wanted to hate her. By all rights, I should have hated her. But I didn't. I wasn't even angry at that moment. I was more… _relieved_ was the right word. No more silly hope that she would leave James and run back to me. No more foolish fantasies of a life that could have been, which never would have happened. I felt free. I felt as if I could finally let her go. 

“So what now?” Lily asked in a small voice. She couldn't even look me in the eye. 

It was a good question. _What now_ , indeed. Would we pretend that nothing had ever happened between us? Go back to being friends? No. Of course that wasn't even an option. The only thing that could have been done would be to completely cut her out of my life. It wasn't exactly like I wanted it to end that way, but for my sanity, it was the only option. And a part of me felt that Lily had known that too. 

“I think you know the answer to that, Lily,” I said in a monotone voice, very much unlike my own. 

I was grateful. Grateful because she didn't beg, she didn't attempt to convince me that we could still be friends, or that eventually we may move passed this and start over at some point. Instead she nodded stiffly and said, “So this is goodbye then.” 

She hadn't formed it like a question. She was just stating a fact. It was indeed goodbye. 

I felt numb. 

“Mary? I - I never meant-” 

“Don't, Lily. If there is one last thing I can ask you to do for me…just - just don't.” 

She nodded once more. 

In another time - another life, really - the sight of Lily standing before me with silent tears streaming down her face would have been my undoing. But not that time. 

Strangely my thoughts traveled to Reg. That silly, loving, selfless, wonderful man, and _partner_ in my life. He was exactly what I had always needed, and always wanted, and didn't realize it completely until that moment. He was someone who loved _me_. Someone who hadn't felt the need to hide me away from the world. Reg wore me on his arm proudly, like I was some invaluable prize and he was the luckiest man in the world. Staring at Lily I became disgusted with myself for ever possibly considering throwing that away for her. For someone who used me as a thrill, or some experiment, and didn't appreciate the love, and the chunk of myself and my soul that I had given to her. Time and time again. She hasn't deserved me. 

With barely a wave for a goodbye, I turned and left Lily staring after me, quite the same way she had left me that day in the Room of Requirement. To be honest, it did give me bit of vindictive satisfaction. Especially when I heard her whisper my name on the way out. 

And that was the last time I'd ever seen Lily Evans. Well, the last time I'd seen her alive. 

When I came home that day, I ended up coming clean to Reg. I felt I owed him that much. I told him about my sexuality, my _relationship_ \- for lack of a better word, with Lily, and my confused feelings I had in the early stages of our relationship together. Of course he was understanding, nonjudgmental and just all around wonderful about the whole thing. I realized how foolish I had been in not confiding in him sooner. Still to this day I don't know what I did to deserve such a man. 

Over a year passed and my life had become peaceful, normal and quite. As quiet as it could be during war time, that was. 

Shortly after my final encounter with Lily, I resigned from The Order. Reg and I married and we wanted to start a family. I hardly thought it appropriate to try to conceive a baby while fighting Death Eaters almost daily. Sadly, though, Reg and I had a very difficult time getting pregnant. Eventually it happened. But not for quite some time. 

Then one morning my quiet existence came to an abrupt halt. It was the first of November, 1981. It began like any other morning; Reg getting ready for work while I made us both breakfast. We sat down at the table and waited for the post to arrive. About half way through our eggs and sausage our owl flew through the window, dropping the day’s copy of _The Daily Prophet_. As I unrolled it and saw the headline on the front page my body turned to ice. 

Sirius Black graced the cover looking deranged, shackled and dressed in Azkaban’s finest. The large print above his screaming face caused me to lose my breakfast. I vomited all on the floor.

_** Sirius Black Charged in the Murder of Peter Pettigrew and in Conspiracy Leading to the Deaths of James and Lily Potter ** _

I felt like the kitchen had shrunk around me, and Reg’s panicked voice sounded as if it were coming from somewhere across the universe. My entire body went numb, my hands trembled.

 _The Deaths of James and Lily Potter_ kept replaying on a loop in my mind. And Peter?! Peter Pettigrew...one of my dearest friends. Dead. 

My thoughts immediately went to Remus. Was he harmed as well? I scanned the article and felt just a momentary bit of relief when I hadn't seen his name listed amongst the dead. 

But _Sirius?_ Surely they were mistaken. They had be mistaken! James and Sirius had been thick as thieves nearly their entire lives! It just couldn't be possible. Could it had been? I mean he was a _Black_. Most of his family had either been Death Eaters or sympathetic to You-Know-Who’s cause. Had he fooled us all along? 

Finally I was able to hear Reg. I think it was due to the anguish in his voice. When I looked back at the paper, I knew immediately what caused his tone of voice. Frank and Alice had been attacked as well. Yes, they were alive, but what happened to them was worse than death. It stated that they had been tortured. Tortured so badly that they were now certifiably insane. The article had said they did not even know themselves, let alone friends or family, and were taken to the permanent ward at St. Mungo’s 

What in the world had happened? It was like the sky had shattered upon us all. It was all too much to bear. 

Lily was dead. Lily Evans, my first true love. She had certainly broken my heart before, but the pain I felt in that moment was nothing compared to the others. Yes I was over her and completely devoted to my husband. But there was always something about a first love that never completely goes away. They always hold on to just a bit of your heart, no matter how badly you'd wish otherwise. 

A week later Reg and I attended the joint funeral for Lily, James and Peter. Remus was there and looked like such a shell of his former self. The site of him hunched over with his hollow eyes, which were red around the edges, nearly caused me to lose any resolve I attempted to have. I knew he grieved for more than just the deaths of his friends. He also grieved for the loss of the greatest love he had ever known. Sirius Black may not have physically ended Remus’ life, but he sure as hell killed him. 

The service was lovely, as they tend to be. Flowers surrounded the two caskets and the box containing the only piece of Peter that had been recovered. Above them all hanged red and gold silks, to signify the place they had all become family; Gryffindor. 

James looked peaceful, as cliche as that sounded. Almost as if he could had been asleep. It was comforting to see that they hadn't managed to flatten his hair and it was just as ruffled and wind blown as always. Just a little detail like that brought a small smile to my face. 

When it came time to approach Lily, Reg squeezed my arm. 

“Alone?” he asked

Again it astounded me at just how well my husband knew me. I nodded and released myself from his hold. 

As I stood over her lifeless body, I did not weep. I took her cold hand in mine and stroked it with my thumb. As if some cruel joke, she looked beautiful, even in death. Her auburn hair fanned out behind her perfectly; not a strand out of place. Her cheeks were given rouge to make them appear like rose petals, and her red lips were formed into the perfect kind of pout that most women spend hours trying to attempt. She looked like an angel. 

“I'm sorry, Lily,” I whispered so no one else could hear. “It took me a long time, but I realized that I was wrong in what I said to you, and how I left you that day. Merlin I wish I could take it back!” 

My throat began to grow tight and I knew it wouldn't be long before I broke. 

“You did love me. Maybe not quite as strongly as I loved you, but I know you did. The look on your face, as I stormed away from you that day… well it's haunted me for a long time. It was nearly identical to the expression I wore when you left me that day in the Room of Requirement.” 

I’d always wanted to have that conversation with her. To make up and perhaps turn over a new leaf. It was a shame that when I finally gathered the courage to have it, she could no longer hear it. 

“I'm so sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry I wasted so much time being angry and lost all this time that we could have still been a part of each other’s lives. I'm sorry I missed your wedding and I'm sorry I didn't invite you to mine.” 

I couldn't help it, the tears had begun to fall. 

“I was stubborn, childish and an idiot and now it's too late! It's too late…”

I took in a deep shuddering breath and wiped my wet cheeks with the back of my free hand. I refused to let go of her with the other. 

“I'll love you forever, Lily Evans. And I know a part of you had always loved me, too.” 

At that point I couldn't carry on. My body wracked with sobs; I nearly collapsed. I was vaguely aware of Reg putting his arms around me and leading me away. 

I didn't know who heard me when I spoke to her, and honestly I didn't care. Neither of us should have ever cared what anyone thought. 

In the first several weeks after her passing, she was all I was able to think about. I thought of past meetings, stolen kisses, playful teasing, the feel of her body and that Apple and vanilla scent that was so uniquely _Lily._ Then the dark thoughts would come. Our breakup, our final argument and the months and months we wasted not speaking. All that time we couldn't ever get back. 

I knew one day I would eventually be able to cope. I would someday be able to look back and smile without tears. I would someday be able to tell my children about my first great love, before their father. Someday. But I knew it would be a long time before I got over the final time my heart was broken by Lily Evans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _AN - I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive and amazingly wonderful when it came to this story. Your enthusiasm and incredibly sweet words have meant the world to me. I really hope that you all enjoyed the final chapter of this. I know it was fillled with all the feels, but I still hope you liked it. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart! I love you guys!!_


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